Good morning everybody, sit down and shut up. It's time to think. Got your coffee? Good. Cause it's going to be a long day. We are going to make a big blockbuster movie. With explosions and computer graphics and a hot girl. We've already paid for two million dollars worth of explosions, another two million worth of computer graphics and two thousand on breast implants. They've already started making computer models of a white Corvette and a Harrier jet. They're quite slick. We just need some context for them. Some people maybe. Characters. Possibly involved in a "story." Got it? Start thinking.
Wilson! Are you reading? Don't give me that head shaky no crap. I can see that book in front of your face. Give it here. And get your fingers to your temples and start thinking like everyone else. Look at Johnson over here. See that vein popping out a quarter inch from his forehead? That's an extra quarter mil on his next paycheck.
What is this book? Jumper? Ha! Sounds real exciting, Wilson. Can't wait for the sequel, Jump Roper. Johnson thinks it's funny. Where do you get this crap from, Wilson? Your mother's basement? What? This Jumper guy can teleport? Pppfff. That's not realistic at all. Unless he explodes when he teleports. Does he explode when he teleports? No? He should.
Say, this Jumper book doesn't sound so bad anymore. What else happens in it? What? I'm not going to read this. Too many words in those word sentence things. Tell me what happens. Did i hear you correctly? His dad's a drunk and he's looking for his mom? Awwww. What a tough life. Does he wear black and listen to Linkin Park, too? 'Cause actually i hear that's what the kids are into these days. I bet his life would be tougher if there was some secret government agency set up to rid the world of these teleporting people. A secret government agency with tazers! And! A mission from God. If we throw in some religious jargon, we'll get some free press from the Christians who try to ban it. Perfect.
Man, this kid could do whatever the hell he wants to and he'd never be caught. What teenager in our target group wouldn't want that? What? No, dummy. They're for my wife.
No, really, the book is awesome and the movie is complete and utter Hollywood wank. In the book, David Rice is actually a dynamic character who just wants to be a normal kid with a special ability, but whose good intentions are twisted by his own actions. In the movie, David Rice is living the dream. Being able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants with no conseqence because of his teleporting ability. Oh, wait, sorry. He has to answer to Samuel L. Jackson's bleached hair and high tech cattle prod thing. But that just means he has to fight him, not change his ways at all.
I bought the book with this movie cover on it and it painfully obvious that they have no respect for the writer of the book whatsoever. Nor the original ideas that they took and bastardized for the movie. The book cover says, "Jumper from the director of the Bourne Identity." It made me ill. So i took care of it.
Ahhh. Much better.
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